Connection matters.
Sometimes it’s hard to know if what we are doing, or not doing, as our kids reach adolescence and beyond makes any difference.
A new research study has an answer – yes. Raising children takes a long time and we finally know that the work we do to build connection with our kids does matter, not just in the moment, but decades later.
"Safe and Seen"
A study published last month found that strong, close and warm relationships with parents have consequences over 20 years later.
That’s right, what you do now will have reverberations for years to come. Data collected at three ages, about 16, 28 and 37 years old has shown that those adolescents who reported strong connections with their families at age 16 had higher levels of social connection with others at age 37.
How was family connection measured at age 16? With the following questions:
- Do your parents care about you?
- Does your family understand you?
- Do you have fun together?
- Does your family pay attention to you?
- Do you feel loved and wanted?
The theme of these questions was summed up by lead author Robert C. Whitaker, MD, MPH, as feeling “safe and seen.” This is about the emotional climate of a family, not the rules about screen time and grades. Can they come home and find someone who wants to hear about what happened on the team bus? Is there a favorite show that always makes everyone in the family laugh?
Our kids are practicing living as adults when they are with us as children and adolescents.
If they can learn the satisfying nature of warm, close and mutual relationships now, they will work to build those later because they will know how to do it. Yes, we are teaching our kids to be connected socially.
I know they don’t want to hang out with you. I know it’s hard to find the time to have dinner, whether it’s in or out. I know you’re tired. But making time now, putting in effort to build connection by helping your child feel “safe and seen” will pay dividends for years to come.
This can be done in small ways that are efficient and cheap – remember that the coach is tough and ask about practice, pick up their favorite snack and let them know its in the pantry, remind them that it’s good to see them after a long day. Be curious about their lives because you care, not because you are checking academic or sports performance, but because they are great and you love watching them grow.